published in Volume 1, Issue 3 on May 17, 1994
The Bernoulli Brothers Gunpowder Circus and Giant Jack Rabbit Rodeo suffered a tragic loss last night when its premier giant jack rabbit rider, Adios Superfly, exploded and burned to death in the middle of his performance.
A few seconds into Superfly's act, the giant jack rabbit he rode, Becoming Mr. Fink, bucked him off and propelled him to the top of the big top tent where he flew into the midst of the flaming trapeze act, slamming into the flaming trapeze artist, Napalm Dickey, also known as the human meteor, also known as the Flambeau Rambo because he wears a napalm turban on his head, which burns like a maniacal, pissed off bunsen burner as he swings through the air the with greatest of ease. When Napalm Dickey and Superfly collided, Napalm Dickey's flaming turban ignited Superfly's creosote cowboy hat and volatile crepe paper neckerchief. Flaming embers then dropped on his electric chaps. Superfly detonated, and he fell to the arena floor in a ball of flame.
A fire alarm sounded in the big top tent and several rodeo clowns dressed in firefighter outfits drove out onto the arena in a emergency fire wagon pulled by Playboy bunnies. They jumped off the wagon and extinguished Superfly with bottles of seltzer water, but not before the flames had given Superfly an excessive cremation. A clown dressed in a surgeon's costume named Old Doc Laudanum then entered the arena. He took one look at the pile of ashes and stated in his medical opinion, "Superfly could be possibly dead." The Bernoulli brothers respected his medical opinion greatly because before he became a clown he was a surgeon, and he became a circus clown only when he lost his medical license in a botched liver transplant operation in which he mistakenly transplanted a hot water bottle into a man.
Giant jack rabbit experts consider Adios Superfly the greatest giant jack rabbit rider in the world and probably the best in the modern era, ever since giant jack rabbit riders began using electric chaps, Pancho Villa foot deodorant, thalidomide chewing tobacco, and wearing frilly underwear under their electric chaps for good luck. Despite his success, Superfly did not have a natural talent for giant jack rabbit riding. For years he never road a giant jack rabbit longer than the required ten seconds and many times he fell off before he mounted one.
His riding career took a complete turnaround when he attended Dr. Puzzletwit's two hour confidence-building program, based on certain metaphysical principles of ichthyology and the major teachings of Nazism. The principle part of the seminar consisted of Dr. Puzzletwit grabbing his students by the shoulders, screaming in their faces, "By God, all you need is some confidence!" and slapping them with a live tuna fish. As students progressed in the seminar, Dr. Puzzletwit no longer had to tell them they needed confidence and just hit them with a live tuna fish. Upon completion of the seminar, the students didn't need Dr. Puzzletwit to hit them with a live tuna fish, for they had self-confidence and could hit themselves with a live tuna fish, which they did most severely upon receiving their diplomas.
After Superfly graduated from Puzzletwit's seminar, he had to ride a white colored giant jack rabbit named Cream of Punishment that no rider had stayed on longer than three seconds. This did not deter Superfly because now he had confidence. Before mounting Creme of Punishment, Superfly stared him in the eyes and said, "Today's the day you get ridden you overlumpy, moby-jumbo, heathen of an Easter Bunny." He slapped himself with a tuna fish, mounted Creme of Punishment, and rode him for ten seconds, scoring a 9.5 for technical merit and a 9.95 for artistic merit on account he smiled vigorously throughout the ride, pointed his toes, and extended his pinky fingers of both hands.
This successful ride launched his rodeo career. No giant jack rabbit threw him again until his death on Becoming Mr. Fink. He wound up the number one giant jack rabbit rider five years consecutively and retired from the rodeo circuit when the Bernoulli Brothers hired him.
Upon Superfly's death, Sheriff Heyday of Kranky Karma County suspected foul play. He found evidence that someone had severely buttered Superfly's saddle. Immediately, suspicion fell on Rub Chevalier, another giant jack rabbit rider, for the day of Superfly's death Superfly and Chevalier had an argument over Candylegs Desideratum, Chevalier's exwife. Superfly had started dating her and Chevalier didn't approve of it because Candylegs was a strict full immersion Baptist; whereas, Superfly had no religious convictions other than hot tubbing.
In addition, Old Doc Laudanum had seen Chevalier walking around the rodeo grounds with a large stick of butter, licking it like a Popsicle. This did not seem unusual by itself because he always walked around the rodeo grounds licking a stick of butter; however, on this day, he came up to Old Doc Laudanum and asked him, "Theoretically, if a man buttered Adios Superfly's saddle and Superfly died as a result from a giant jack rabbit throwing him and this certain man got convicted of the crime, could that certain man still enter a convent and become a nun?" Doc Laudanum refused to answer. He called it a stupid question that only someone with postgraduate work in philosophy could conceive. Chevalier thanked the doctor, offered him a lick of his butter then left.
When Chevalier became the prime suspect, Sheriff Heyday gave him a lie detector test. Chevalier scored only a 55% on the test and failed, so Sheriff Heyday told him to go back home and study the test harder, especially the sections on George Washington cutting down the cherry tree, Baron Munchausen, and the boy who cried wolf. Heyday feels confident Chevalier will pass the lie detector test on his second attempt, and he will charge him with first degree murder and reckless misuse of butter in the act of a felony.