published in Volume 2, Issue 2 on April 3rd, 1995
Well, I've spent the last few days trying to figure out what to write this column on. I started a musing on the opening line to Allen Ginsberg's poem "Howl" ("I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked...") but that quickly went nowhere. So I started editorializing on why anyone who gets to the highest levels of national politics is most likely a deceitful bastard whom we should discuss with shame rather than support blindly since they seem to lie a little less than whoever or whatever comes from the opposing party. But that, also, quickly sputtered out after a few angst-filled belches.
So I've decided to write about cows, instead.
Why cows? Sometimes it's just necessary. We live in confusing and depressing times. I think of "Howl" and can't help but think that if it was written today, Ginsberg would start: "I saw the best minds of my generation enter law school.." and I don't know if that or the original version would be more harrowing. And politics? The word itself has become synonymous with "deceit" or "self-aggrandizement." No, today I talk about cows.
Gary Larson said, "I've always found [cows] to be the quintessentially absurd animal for situations more absurd." How true! That's why I bring them up today, they act as a sort of balance to my more depressing subjects.
Imagine if TV news handled things similarly. They would have one story on an important news item, then balance it with a story about a cow (say, the cow shot by Irvine police after it broke loose and ran along the San Diego Freeway). Then they'd have another news story, then maybe an expose' on Matild, the cow rumored to have fallen into a crevice during San Francisco's 1906 earthquake.
Granted, this would require a lot from the media. It would, first of all, require them to cover actual news stories to act as balance for the cow info. Then they'd need a complete Bovine News Crew to research and find the best cow news to be found locally, nationally, and internationally.
Just imagine! All the reporters covering O.J. would have to leave the L.A. courthouse, they'd be ideally suited to form the new Bovine News Crews! No more hype about Rosanne, Fergie, or Tonya Harding, but fascinating tell-all stories about Bessie, Elsie, and la Vache Que Rit!
It just might make the world seem more tolerable, more in perspective.
Anyway, enough digression, on with cows.
Uh. Well. I guess I'm about out of room so that'll have to do. Enjoy this issue of Morpo and maybe scoot off a quick letter to your local TV stations asking for more cow coverage in their reporting.